


Here you have me again

by judyannhale



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, Judy just wants a baby, bit sad tbh, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:47:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25157233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/judyannhale/pseuds/judyannhale
Summary: “Jen, I can't go back there. They'll think I'm some kind of crazy person who stole their baby.”Jen laughed in disbelief. “Well I can't imagine why they’d think that.”
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 6
Kudos: 88





	Here you have me again

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I hear Swedish songs and think 'yeah I'll write a fic based on that'. Don't ask.   
> But yeah this seemed pretty on brand for Judy and her judgement skills so I hope you enjoy :)

Jen stopped in her tracks as she entered the kitchen. She’d found Judy on the couch, seemingly oblivious to the outside world as she bounced a baby on her lap.

“What the fuck is that?”

“Jen! He's a person!” She protested, covering the baby’s ears. “Not a _what_.”

Jen blinked. “Who the _fuck_ is that?”

“Jen, meet Elliot,” She said, maintaining a casual cheeriness in spite of Jen’s tone. “But he goes by Eli for short.”

“Great,” She snapped back, throwing her keys down on the kitchen counter.

“Say hi to auntie Jen,” Judy cooed, lifting the baby up so he could see Jen over the back of the couch, and lifting his arm to make him wave.

“Judy,” Jen stopped her, taking a few steps closer. “Why the fuck is there a baby in my house?”

“In _our_ house,” Judy corrected.

“Oh my god,” she said with that incredulous look that told Judy she’d done something wrong.

“Okay, Jen, don't freak out,” she said softly.

Jen crossed her arms defensively. “I'm not freaking out.” 

“Okay, good.”

Jen took a deep breath, trying to ease her frustration. “Where did, err…”

“Eli,” Judy interjected.

“Where did Eli come from?” she asked as calmly as she could.

“That is… an excellent question,” Judy replied.

“Does it have an answer?” Jen asked.

Judy scrunched up her face, as if admitting the next words would cause her physical pain. “Eileen's house.”

Jen sighed. “Judy?”

“Yeah?” 

Jen tried to brace herself for the kind of irrational response only Judy could give. “Who's baby is that?”

“Steve's,” she answered, her face still tense and cautious. She studied Jen’s expression closely, expecting her to be angry, but it softened.

“Shit,” she said.

“Yeah.”

“Is it that girl he was seeing?” Jen asked.

“Yeah,” Judy nodded slowly. “Heidi.” 

“Okay, and you're… babysitting?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Judy replied, grateful to be handed an excuse. “Sort of.” 

Jen shot her a weird look, but the baby started crying before she could ask any more.

“No, Eli, no no no no,” Judy pleaded, desperately trying to calm him as the cries only got louder. “Come on, Eli, come on-

“Give him here,” Jen interrupted, taking pity on the desperate attempts to soothe him and sitting down beside them on the couch. She took the baby and held him close to her chest, rocking him gently, and sure enough he started to calm down. 

“Hey, buddy,” she whispered to him as Judy watched in absolute awe. Her wide eyes betrayed both admiration and a deep desire to share Jen’s talent.

“You’re a natural,” she said. 

Jen snorted at the idea. “I wasn't. It's just practice,” she explained, remembering the chaos of having her own babies.

Judy was already distracted, staring lovingly at the baby’s round face. “Look at him.”

“I know.” Jen slowed her rocking as he lay in her arms peacefully. “God, I almost miss having a baby around.”

“Really?” Judy’s eyes lit up, suddenly hopeful that her plan could work out, and she might even be able to help Jen.

“I mean they're a total pain in the ass.” She tilted her head toward Judy. “But look at that face.”

“I know.” Judy leaned over to see him better. “Hi pumpkin, hey,” she cooed. She gave him a little wave, and could have jumped for joy as he smiled and waved his arm in response.

Jen couldn’t help but smile seeing Judy like this. “You wanna take him again?” she offered.

“Yeah,” she said enthusiastically. She scooped him into her arms gently and started rocking him just like Jen had, practically glowing with happiness. 

“How long are we watching him for?” Jen asked.

“Yeah… um… about that-” Judy started, her face suddenly cautious again.

“What?”

Judy furrowed her brow. “Well, no one really knows he's here, so, as long as we like?”

Jen stared at her for a second, praying she’d heard something wrong. “What do you mean no one knows he's here?”

“Well, no one knows he's here,” she repeated. “It's pretty self explanatory-”

“You kidnapped him?” Jen demanded.

“No.” Judy frowned. “I sort of, just… took him, I guess? Is that bad?”

“Judy, what the hell were you thinking?” Jen said, outraged. “You’re just gonna take this child and no one's gonna notice?”

“I don't know.” Her face was stricken with anxiety. “It seemed like a really good idea at the time.”

Jen’s eyes widened. “How the fuck did it seem like a good idea?”

“Shhh.” Judy looked down at Eli, who had been drifting off to sleep, and held him protectively.

“What the _fuck_ , Judy?” Jen hissed in no more than a whisper.

“I'm sorry,” Judy pleaded. “They just left him all alone. Heidi went out and left him with Eileen, and she wasn't even in the same room as him, and I felt bad.”

Jen sighed, looking up at the ceiling for a moment before standing up. “Come on.”

“Hmm?” Judy looked at her questioningly.

“Come on, I'll drive you over.”

Judy’s eyes grew wide and anxious. “Jen, I can't go back there. They'll think I'm some kind of crazy person who stole their baby.”

Jen laughed in disbelief. “Well I can't imagine why they’d think that.”

Judy’s face twitched at her harsh words. “That’s not fair,” she replied.

“No, actually, it’s completely fair.” Jen snapped back.

“You were the one who said I shouldn't limit myself based on what that doctor said,” she protested.

“Jesus, Judy.” Jen let out an exasperated sigh as she ran a hand through her hair. “I meant taking care of the boys, or _maybe_ adoption.”

“I know. I just always wanted a baby of my own,” she tried to explain. “And I always wanted to have a baby with Steve.” 

“He's not your baby.” Jen’s reminder felt almost cruel.

“I know,” she said miserably.

“Come on, that Heidi girl will be shitting herself,” Jen said more softly, trying to reason with her

Judy sighed, letting go of that last fragment of hope that things could all work out. “I know.”

“We can get takeout on the way back,” Jen suggested in a soft tone, seeing how difficult this was for her.

“No.” Judy pulled the baby back into her chest protectively. “It’s okay. I can go myself.”

Jen raised her eyebrows.

“What? You can’t even trust me to do that?” Judy asked indignantly.

“Well, you did just steal a baby a couple of hours ago,” she pointed out.

“I’m giving him back,” Judy protested. “It’s more of a borrow. It’ll be fine.”

“Fine. But losing a kid is terrifying,” Jen started, just to make sure she didn’t get any other ideas. “Henry wandered off in the mall once and… it was not pretty.”

Judy shot her a questioning look right as it started to dawn on her exactly what she’d done.

“I got a little… upset with the security guard.” Jen said.

“What did you do?” she asked.

“I’ll tell you later, now go,” Jen said urgently. “Before she has to pull any shit like that.”

Judy let out a sad sigh. “Okay.”

“Thank you,” Jen said, her expression finally relaxing.

“See you later,” Judy said, scooping Eli up and rocking him as she walked back out to her car. 

\- - -

“So, I can never show my face there again.” 

“What happened?” Jen asked as Judy collapsed into the couch beside her.

“Well, I told them he must've crawled into my bag with all the other stuff Eileen gave me,” she explained.

“They bought that?” Jen raised her eyebrows.

“No.” Judy laughed. “You know, as I was leaving, I heard her complaining about him,” she said uncomfortably.

“Really?” 

“Yep.” Judy nodded. “Saying he was getting in the way of her life, like she never even wanted a baby.”

Jen’s heart sunk. “It must be hard on her, doing it alone,” she thought. Losing Ted had been hell for her family. She couldn’t imagine going through those first few months with a baby. “And not everyone wants to be a mom. That doesn't make her a bad person.”

“I know,” Judy said with a sad smile. “But I know what it's like having a mom who has better things to do than take care of you.”

That broke Jen’s heart a little. She reached out for Judy’s arm and stroked it gently with her thumb. “Judy-”

“It’s okay,” she said quickly, careful not to make Jen feel any worse. “It just… He was right there, and it felt like we needed each other, like it was meant to be or something.”

“Yeah?” Jen tried to say it kindly. She didn’t believe in ‘meant to be’ or any of that nonsense, but she could see the pain in Judy’s eyes.

“He just looked so peaceful,” she explained. “And when Eileen gave me the box of my old stuff she had, I found one of my old crystals I thought I'd lost and everything was just right there.”

That was a step too far for Jen. “What, a crystal told you it was a good idea?” 

“I know it sounds nuts,” Judy said, tilting her head to the side a little. “But it felt like a sign.”

Jen raised her eyebrows doubtfully as Judy reached into the pocket of her dress. She pulled out a fiery red stone, around the size of her thumb.

“It’s garnet,” she said, holding it out for Jen to see. “I always used to carry it with me when I was pregnant. And that last time, it was the furthest along I'd ever got. Everything was going well, and we finally thought it was going to work out, and I lost it - must have dropped it at Eileen's or something - but I lost it right before I lost… her.” 

Judy could feel her eyes on the brink of tears but she refused to let them out. Jen suddenly found herself useless, feeling terrible but having no idea what she could do to help. That was the heartbreaking thing - there was nothing she could do to change all the pain Judy had gone through.

“She was a girl?” she asked gently.

“Mmm,” Judy nodded. “Megan.” She stared down at her hands, fiddling with the crystal.

“That's a good name,” she replied, reaching an arm around Judy and carefully rubbing her shoulder with her thumb.

“Thanks,” Judy looked back up at Jen, smiling with tears in her eyes. “It just makes you think, you know.” She turned the stone over in her fingers. “Maybe, if I’d been a little more careful with this guy…”

“Judy-” Jen stopped her.

“I know you don’t believe in that stuff,” Judy said.

“No, you can’t think like that.” She took both of Judy’s hands and held them together in her own. “It wasn’t your fault, or anyone’s fault. It’s just… biology.” Jen realized how insignificant that sounded as soon as she said it.

“That's easy for you to say,” Judy pointed out, her brow furrowed. “You only had to get pregnant twice, and now you have two beautiful boys.”

Her words felt like a slap in the face, and suddenly Jen felt powerless again. 

“I'm sorry,” she sighed.

“No, it's okay.” Judy tried to pull herself together. She could see she was upsetting Jen, and she knew she couldn’t let that happen. “I just need to figure out how to accept it's never actually going to happen to me.”

“I know you always wanted your own family, but, I don’t know, sometimes things work out in weird ways.” Jen squeezed her hands, desperately searching for something she could say to make Judy feel better. “I don’t think we’d be much of a family here without you.”

“That’s not true.” Judy shook her head.

“Yeah, it is,” Jen said sincerely. Judy’s heart leapt at the possibility those words could be true.

“Hey, mom, I’m done with my homework,” Henry yelled down the stairs on his way to the kitchen.

“Nice one, Hen,” Jen smiled at him over the back of the couch.

“Do we have any snacks?” he asked, seemingly oblivious to the conversation he’d just interrupted.

“Yeah, hang on.” Judy snapped out of her own worries and quickly brushed away a year as she turned to look at him. “I made flapjacks.”

“Really?” Henry asked, his eyes lighting up.

“Yeah,” Judy smiled. “And I might’ve busted out the chocolate chips.” She bopped Henry on the nose on her way to the fridge.

“Nice,” he smiled. Judy grabbed a plate and neatly arranged a flapjack with some raspberries.

“Okay, enjoy,” she said, handing him the plate with a smile.

“Thank you,” Henry said, already heading back upstairs to whatever video game he was currently obsessed with - Jen could never keep up with all that.

“Make sure to eat the fruit too!” Judy called after him. 

Jen looked over at her with a smile. She was already more of a mom than Jen had ever been, and no amount of babies could change any of that. She just wished Judy could see it.


End file.
